Wonder Illuminated - Can you be a good guy and bad guy at the same time? When would it happen? Why?

I usually do not label people or things as good or bad, because there are so many perspectives we need to consider. However, for my young children, it is how they process. Even after I give my whole spiel about how people inherently do what they believe is right, they would ask, “but is he the bad guy?”. Speaking the same language allows us to reach our children deeper. While it is structured as a question, it can certainly be incorporated into pretend play. “This guy is only a little bit bad, he wants to be mostly good now. Would you give him a chance?” “He decides it’s no fun being a good guy anymore…” “Sometimes, it is so frustrating to do the right thing and be good. Sometimes, I think about being the bad guy and hitting someone too. Sometimes, I think about it, but I don’t act on it.”

According to Piaget, children who can hold two thoughts at once are in the Concrete Operational stage. These are children in ages 7–11. Exploring these questions and thoughts as stated both above and below will help children make sense of our highly paradoxical world. Should they be at younger ages, they may not be able to find answers to our questions. We can hold a quiet space for their minds to process. Even if we do not find answers or give a deeper explanation, know that we’re seeding the idea that it is normal to have two conflicting thoughts at the same time, and planting got a deeper conversation when they are ready.

Variation for older children:

How can you be the victim and perpetrator at the same time?
How can you be the protagonist and antagonist at the same time?

Lateral Follow ups:

When are the times a good guy may seem bad? Can a good guy be a little bad?
Do bad guys think that they are good guys too?
Are there good guys who act bad too? Eg. Robin hood who steals rich people’s money to give to the poor. Or Spiderman who eavesdrops into the private police conversations to save the good guys and catch the bad?
Both bad guys and good guys believed that they were doing something right, isn’t it? When are the other times you see that?
Highlight the times when sometimes we/ our kids are good, but may sometimes act a little naughty/ bad. Maybe even go into exploring that humans make mistakes, and how we can learn from them and make repairs

Any type of war discussion:

What do you think each side believed in?
What values do you think they hold? Do you think they have common values of love, respect, belonging, life etc?
Why would people vote in a political party that causes so much harm to others?
Does any retaliation in a war makes a country more justified and less evil?
Or being the lesser of the evil makes the evil go away?

Finding hope in a chaotic world:

Building more love and connection in your own family
Establish a feeling of being cared for. Your child needs to feel safe in this chaotic world
Look for the silver lining through art therapy, such as Kintsugi (Japanese art for mending pottery using gold) or making a collage or montage with torn paper. May we be whole and find hope and beauty in broken things.

A member shared this link on IG. It is a great way to share a story about why people would hurt others. You may see it here. I love the way it is presented and would use this if I put on my parenting hat. However, if I would like my child to open up his own senses to be curious about why the world works, I'd present these questions in Wonder Illuminated to open a world of inquiry.

Further Reading:

https://truegrowthparenting.wordpress.com/2013/07/08/whats-up-with-selfish-children/

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2023/01/psychology-of-mixed-emotions-feelings-meaning-examples/672758/

https://www.psychalive.org/framework-cultivating-integration/#:~:text=The%20nine%20domains%20are%20integration,temporal%20integration%2C%20and%20transpirational%20integration.

https://open.library.okstate.edu/foundationsofeducationaltechnology/chapter/2-cognitive-development-the-theory-of-jean-piaget/

PS: Image: AI generated image depicting the struggle of good vs evil

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Wonder Illuminated are a weekly series of questions we ask our children to engage in dialectic thinking. Children are our teachers. They give insight to us, especially if we learn to read between lines. Wouldn't it be interesting to hear what your kids say? Join Self-directed Life Membership here to get access to more of such wondering discussions with our kids.

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Can you be a good and bad at the same time?